So today is my last day at work and somehow it seems that I should be really excited and happy, but truth is I'm not.
I've always enjoyed doing what I do, being a road designer (Civil Engineer) for MDOT. But the pull of not having to get up at 6:30am every morning after getting maybe 6 hours of interrupted sleep, not having to sit in an freezer of a bathroom and pump two times a day hoping that I get enough milk for Barend to drink that next day, not feeling badly at work that my mind is elsewhere (home with my husband and baby), and not constantly feeling that I'm hard to work with because of my pumping schedule and not wanting to work so much overtime, is too great.
But the person that I love the most....the person that I'm able to say anything to and know that he'll be there for me (even though there are times that I hurt him sooo very much)...the person that I really can't live without...isn't happy. How can I be happy knowing that I'm taking an opportunity away from him, doing something that is looked upon as uncommon, but something that makes him soo happy??
Yeah, I'm looking forward to being home with Barend, being able to sleep when he sleeps, being able to clean and enjoy cleaning (sounds weird I know, but I've always enjoyed cleaning), preparing meals for Trav, not having to pump, and going to parks and museums. But I'm not looking forward to trying to sell our house, Trav commuting, moving, and establishing new relationships with people when I'm not such a good communicator.
Struggles of a working mom, soon to be stay at home mom, trying to balance lifes needs, wants and dreams.
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2 comments:
For what it's worth...
Sometimes in marriage one partner must sacrifice his/her desires for the joy of his/her spouse or for the betterment of the family. That is just a difficult part of marriage, but potentially one of the most beautiful parts, as well. It provides the opportunity for one to truly show the other how very much s/he loves the family and yearns to care for them. Biblically, even though this is a very unpopular belief today (and even one that we haven't followed, as you know), God places it on the husband to make sure his family is cared for... It is a concept worth really digging into, I think, and it might bring you some comfort. I think God can use this opportunity to bring some growth into your lives. Keep seeking Him. In His time, I know He will bring situations into your lives that will be pleasing for both of you AND great for your family, at the same time.
And - you are not bad at communication! You will do great making friends. Have courage to put yourself out there. People like you for who you ARE! ...Pray for God to bring people into your life, seek opportunities to meet new people (at mom things, the library, co-op groups - in places/activities that intrest you and in which you will likely meet others with similiar dreams, desires, and interests). Then, just be YOU! Try not to worry about whether someone will like you or not. You are you. If it's a good fit, it just will be. If it's not, it's not, and someone else will come along that will be. That's what I think... And, Travis is an awesome friend for you, and I really admire that - but, there is room for other friends, too... and, there are people who will love you for who you are, no matter what!!
Love to you,
Jen
One more thing. I just ran across this quote, and it made me think of you.
"Few things can help an individual more than to place responsibility on him, and to let him know that you trust him."
Booker T. Washington
Now, I know that everyone is different and an individual... but I think that this speaks to part of that God-ordained place for the man as Head of the Household (however you interpret that for your family). I have found it to be fairly consistently true that men thrive and flourish with a sense of responsibility, especially, and most importantly, when their wives trust that they will be successful, providing encouragement and respect.
You guys have made this decision for this season in your lives. I would just encourage you to not let your bad feelings (guilt and whatever else there is) get in the way of your lifting up, encouraging, and trusting your husband. He will need your support and respect to make the best of this.
-Jen (again)
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